Personal Statement review - Sergei

So, when I was taking my Kaplan review class, 

I asked my TAs to look over my personal statement (draft 3). 

One of them agreed. His name is Sergei and he is Russian. 

This is the feedback he sent.. (brace yourself)

My thoughts are in white. 

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At first glance, here are my suggestions:

The first paragraph sounds like a field trip to the zoo and it's too drawn out... 

(I already knew it was too long. That's why I need help!)

As much as creative writing is appreciated by admissions committee, all I got from it is "this is so exciting!" Adding "squeal like a little girl" and anything that belittles the experience would not do you much good. 

(I don't think it belittles anything. I think it reflects my personality.)

My advice would be to trim it down by half

 (Already planning on that, but you didn't offer any suggestions on how to do that) 

and add more analysis  (That would make it longer...putting me back in the same dilemma) 

that would reveal your understanding of how much trust is required between a surgeon, nurse, patients, and a volunteer! (This experience actually sounds pretty special... 

if I were a physician, there's no way I'd let a volunteer get his hands on a surgical patient).

Also, I don't know what you meant to say by a hobby "painting nails" in the third paragraph. 

(Umm.. hobby means I do it in my free time because I enjoy it) Every phrase you put into your essay should have a meaning. If you paint nails like an art form, like those crazy Japanese nail artists, then it's something worth mentioning to show your creative side and desire for exploration. (While I wouldn't call myself an artist, I have been told by many people that I am pretty good, but does this mean I should mention my blog in my personal statement or my application??)

The paragraph about music can be trimmed down (I spent so much time writing that paragraph and you just want to chop it up) with the most important points left only: Why do you play, What did you learn besides the songs and techniques, and Where will this mentality lead you. (You were obviously not in band.) For example, the part where you talk about the "PRIDE" school band motto seems like an extra boost that really doesn't add much: it's like a "oh and by the way, my band motto was pride, and I'm really proud of my work." 

(That's where I talk about all my wonderful character traits! They came from band!!)

The point of the personal statement is to differentiate yourself from the crowd beyond GPA, grades, and activities. Pick only three things at which you excel or those that impacted your life the most, and talk about them with insightful analysis (75% analysis and thought, 25% content). (That's alot harder than you make it seem, buddy) No need to add extra information. The description of your activities in the AMCAS application is the opportunity to explain whatever you omitted in the personal statement.

 (Oh yeah, I forgot about that..)

I had a really hard time reading the last paragraph (almost gave up on finishing actually. A committee member certainly would) (That's what I was afraid of, but this is the part that I knew needed the most work) You spent too much time writing the justification for your initial commitment to be a doctor. There is too much rambling, and you leave the reader with an air of uncertainty. (I disagree) Personally, I'm not convinced that you would love the job.

 (Well you don't matter, only the admissions committees do) In reality, it's not that exciting. (Oh really, you know the reality of being a doctor? Then why didn't we call you Dr. Sergei? Gee, maybe because you're not a doctor and you don't know the reality. Maybe it's not exciting to you because that's not what you want to do with your life. I think it would be very exciting. I have wanted to do this my whole life. I want to do more in life than sit around all day in Arizona staring at a computer all day helping applicants review for the MCAT, like you. I have bigger ambitions) The hours are long, and the work is hard. You completely ignore this reality with the light-hearted attitude. (I am in no way under the impression that this is going to be easy. I know it's hard and I know the life of a doctor can be rough. I did not ignore it it. I just do not think that belongs in a personal statement. By shadowing and having some clinical exposure, the admissions committee should assume that I have seen what it's like first hand and so I know that's it's not always fabulous. I would appreciate it if you gave me a little more credit than that, Sergei. I have shadowed before.) Although you mentioned your perseverance and hard work in your extra-curricular activities, you didn't say how this would really fit into practicing the profession as a physician. (e.g. I have worked incredibly long hours before and there's something pleasant in hitting the "void," where my body and fingers automatically do the work without much thought.)  (This won't be hard to add, I think I already have an example in mind, using what you said here)

Here are some questions that arise in my mind as I read your writing: there's a lot about how caring for patients fills the place in your heart... but what's in it for the patients? (Why does that matter? I'm supposed to be discussing why I want to be a doctor. I accomplish that by explaining why I want to care for people, not by saying what's in it for them. Doesn't showing my compassion for patients imply that they will therefore get better care? I think it does and I do not think it therefore has to be stated.) How will more time spent with the patients result in better quality of care? There are so many patients, their numbers are growing everyday, and you would like to spend time only with the few? (What? How in the world did you make that conclusion? I never said I would spend time with only a few patients, as opposed to seeing more patients and spending less time with them. I think Sergei interpreted this all wrong.) What's the reasoning behind it? What are the criteria for choosing quality over quantity? (You should always value quality over quantity, especially in the field of medicine.)

Don't use negative words in regards to your commitment: things like "eliminate doubt" should be changed into "reaffirm commitment" etc.  

(Finally some decent criticism that I can actually use) 

Finally, cut down on the word "I." There's on average one "I" per line throughout the essay. 

(Again I disagree. This is MY personal statement. It is about ME. It's supposed to have "I" in it. How else am I supposed to refer to myself? In  third person? 

Well, Ashley doesn't like that idea.)

Seek lots of outside advice, (I tried,but you stomped all over it and didn't give much advice. You just criticized.) look at other sample essays, and browse the personal statement forums.This is not something you can write over night. You should read, reread, rewrite, at least 5 times for it to sound good. (This is my third draft and I actually did write this one overnight. I don't think it's in such horrible shape like you implied.)

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OUCH. 

Well, I don't think I would consider that constructive criticism, just criticism.

He also didn't seem to care about my feelings. He was too blunt. 

He did make a few good points, but most of them I already knew. 

For the most part, I know what needs to be done; I just don't know how. 

That's what I was looking for but Sergei didn't pick up on that and offer suggestions. 

 I also think he interpreted the last part wrong. 

He also made several comments about things I left out or "ignored." These are things I do not think should belong in a personal statement, especially when I have a tight length limit.

I plan on keeping my mind open though to everything he said, 

but with a grain of salt, when I redraft.