After chatting with Dr. Davis on Tuesday, I sent her my personal statement
(draft 4) and asked for some feedback. My thoughts are in white.
(draft 4) and asked for some feedback. My thoughts are in white.
Her response:
So take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Like maybe something smaller
than a grain...
(oh boy.. I start bracing myself.)
So something small but easy to take out would be the talk about the nail art.
(aw, Sergei said I should include it!) It doesn't tie in like the tutoring (this is true) and you can put this on your application in another way. (oh!! that's a good idea!)
(oh boy.. I start bracing myself.)
So something small but easy to take out would be the talk about the nail art.
(aw, Sergei said I should include it!) It doesn't tie in like the tutoring (this is true) and you can put this on your application in another way. (oh!! that's a good idea!)
It's cool, (yay!) but I just don't think this is the
place for it.
Also, I know what you're trying to do in the first paragraph. (okay...) You probably have been advised to do something like you're doing in the first paragraph, (yeah...) but I don't like it. (Aww! I'm so proud of my intro!) It seems like a stereotypical way to try and not be stereotypical. (Well that's dumb.) But instead of grabbing the readers attention to make you stand out, I think it will only make you seem like more of the same. (I disagree. In the beginning, I am trying to convince them to continue reading. Later in the draft is where I make my case for why I stand out.)
All in all I don't think it's bad, but I would try to show more of you. Be genuine. Don't just say things you think they want to here. Yes, you will have to do that. But I think you want to be as honest as possible. So maybe you know you've always wanted to be a doctor and shadowing has confirmed that further, but how does your story differ from anyone else? (that's where I'm having difficulty..pinpointing what makes me standout) I think you're probably pretty interesting (aww! thanks!!) and you should focus on that. Even talking about something that you've struggled with more and overcome might add some pizzazz. (hmm..what have I struggled with?..being super shy?) I just think they are going to read a 1000 essays where someone has always wanted to be a doctor and shadowed some people. (well yeah when you put it like that it sounds bad) I think you're selling yourself short (aww!). You've got more than that. I'm not sure exactly what it is (apparently I don't know either), but really search for it. You need to sell them. Not just tell them why you want to become a doctor, but why should they let you in...
Again, overall I think you've got some great stuff (I like the clarinet bit). (yay!)
Also, I know what you're trying to do in the first paragraph. (okay...) You probably have been advised to do something like you're doing in the first paragraph, (yeah...) but I don't like it. (Aww! I'm so proud of my intro!) It seems like a stereotypical way to try and not be stereotypical. (Well that's dumb.) But instead of grabbing the readers attention to make you stand out, I think it will only make you seem like more of the same. (I disagree. In the beginning, I am trying to convince them to continue reading. Later in the draft is where I make my case for why I stand out.)
All in all I don't think it's bad, but I would try to show more of you. Be genuine. Don't just say things you think they want to here. Yes, you will have to do that. But I think you want to be as honest as possible. So maybe you know you've always wanted to be a doctor and shadowing has confirmed that further, but how does your story differ from anyone else? (that's where I'm having difficulty..pinpointing what makes me standout) I think you're probably pretty interesting (aww! thanks!!) and you should focus on that. Even talking about something that you've struggled with more and overcome might add some pizzazz. (hmm..what have I struggled with?..being super shy?) I just think they are going to read a 1000 essays where someone has always wanted to be a doctor and shadowed some people. (well yeah when you put it like that it sounds bad) I think you're selling yourself short (aww!). You've got more than that. I'm not sure exactly what it is (apparently I don't know either), but really search for it. You need to sell them. Not just tell them why you want to become a doctor, but why should they let you in...
Again, overall I think you've got some great stuff (I like the clarinet bit). (yay!)
And also remember that
grain of salt I mentioned...
If you want me to read through any other drafts or talk about it more with you, let me know. (yay! I will definitely take you up on that offer!) These things are REALLY hard to write!! (you can say that again..)
If you want me to read through any other drafts or talk about it more with you, let me know. (yay! I will definitely take you up on that offer!) These things are REALLY hard to write!! (you can say that again..)
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She was not as harsh as Sergei and was not as passive as Dr. Wood. I think Dr. Davis gave me some great constructive criticism and I will consider them all when working on my next draft. Gee, I wonder how many drafts I will end up having!?
She was not as harsh as Sergei and was not as passive as Dr. Wood. I think Dr. Davis gave me some great constructive criticism and I will consider them all when working on my next draft. Gee, I wonder how many drafts I will end up having!?
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